So you got dumped.

And you feel like crap, but listen up: breaking up is really not such a bad thing. One of the best things you can do for your love life — and for your sanity in general — is to develop a healthy attitude toward breakups, which are of course inevitable. If you believe in both dating and monogamy, virtually all your romantic relationships — save a precious one or two — are going to splinter apart somehow. So if, despite your best intentions, things fell apart –- well, we’re sorry. But let’s figure out how to handle things gracefully and move on with life. read more »

The fish I’m talking about?  Men at spas.

Now, I don’t want to give the impression that I think that spas should be the sole province of women.  Everybody deserves a good massage from time to time. I actually see men at Oasis pretty much every time I go, and while I haven’t seen men every time I’ve been to a spa, I feel sure Oasis is not the only one frequented by guys in need of a little pampering.  (Or, you know, dragged there by their fiancees.)   The guy who can go to the spa and embrace the experience?  More power to him.

That said, however, the fact is that while many guys are willing to go to the spa and possibly have a service or two done, very few of them actually embrace the experience.  Case in point?  My most recent experience in the Oasis relaxation room.

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I’ll admit it, the Craigslist personals section is a frequent haunt of mine. Oh, I don’t post there, but I get a kick out of the idiots who do (and when it gets to the point where the posters seem too stupid to live, I go to Missed Connections.  That area appeals to the romantic in me).

I’m apparently not the only person who hits that “are these posters too dumb to breathe?” threshold.  So did some smart lady in Norfolk, VA.  There’s really nothing for me to add to her rant, so enjoy:

For a while now, I’ve been posting and hunting on Craigslist. I get bored at work a lot, and it seems to pass the time. Every guy on here seems to think that he is God’s gift to mankind (not even just the women…). Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that folgers.

Regardless, here’s some of my commentary. (Taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women)

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…” Ok. Athletic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun loving? No…I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire.

“looking for friend with beniftits” *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what “beniftits” were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar lessons? I’d be happy to tutor you. Maybe I’m viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not.

“im 6’4″ 270lbs blk straight teeth” Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craigslist. Or, use a flippin comma.

“If you are fake, I have no time for you.” Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don’t want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you’d slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* “No honey! You don’t look fat in those jeans at all…” Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don’t think so. BTW, you have spinach in your teeth.

“I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self” I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can’t see someone asking for a woman who doesn’t shower? Doesn’t buy clothing that fits? Doesn’t pay her bills? I’m confused.

“i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.” Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead…Jeez.

“I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.” Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. F this friends sh*t.

“I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges” Would 5 months be ok? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tell if you’re genuinely not a serial killer until then.

“im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws” I dub this the ‘no fatties’ clause. Don’t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95yo grandmother weighs more than that.

“I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things” I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: happening or arising without apparent external cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser).

“I’m 5’6′brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like.” Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the subscription for my dumbass translator is expired.

“likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes” Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans had. Again, confused.

“Not interested in …morally bankrupt women.” What if I’m just financially bankrupt?

Anyway, I’m ending my rant there. And, if I’ve pulled from your ad, and you’re offended…Get the hell over it. Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’re so desperately seeking.

I absolutely, positively love early 60s-inspired looks on a guy. And I’m not talking about the Lower East Side hipster “let me pair this nice skinny suit with Converse and a mowhawk” version of 1960s inspiration.

What I want is a nice, crisp suit, a gorgeous tie, shined shoes and well groomed hair. Basically, the man I want takes his fashion and grooming cues from none other than Don Draper.

Oh, god, is that pocket square I spy? :swoon:

The hair is what makes this look.  The men in my family often wax poetic about how polished this looks was, and how much they miss seeing it on young guys. Unfortunately, though, the original look was achieved via greasy, oily pomades (need proof?  Watch an old movie – you can actually see grease marks when guys get up from sofas or stop leaning against walls).

Luckily for men of my generation, the decades that have passed since the super slick look first became popular have yielded a wealth of hair care technology.  One of the leading brands in this space, Bumble and bumble, has a rich history of bringing cutting-edge styling products to market (I’m an avid fan of Sumotech and Surf Spray).  But with the popularity of Don Draper Chic reaching new heights, the styling gurus at Bb. knew they had a new challenge: creating a product to help men achieve this always-slick, never sticky look.

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After breaking up from an embarrassingly long relationship last year, I am now the most conspicuously single Triumvir.  The Ex, whom The Man With The Hidden Talents referred to on one occasion as “He Who Must Not Be Named” (feel free to picture Voldemort when I refer to him), was charming in many ways but had commitment issues the size of which was not describable by ordinary math.   The Ex has now decamped for another state on what I gather was an only semi-voluntary basis, and the city belongs to me again!  I commend his good taste in doing the only decent thing and disappearing off the face of the earth the way all good exes should.

Being swingingly single again, I’ve made some efforts since the big breakup to get myself back out into the dating world.  You will no doubt be hearing more about my misadventures as the merriment continues.  My first pass at dating after Voldemort?  Speed dating.  One of my cousins tried the speed dating thing and had a good time, so I figured I’d give it a try.  (Granted, I gather he was plastered, but still.)  Here’s the theory: speed dating has the virtue of getting you out of the house and exposing you to some new people without adding the potential for obsessing over why someone has not winked back at you, what a wink really means, whether if a guy is cute enough, it’s okay that he lives in Tibet, and all the other little delights that come with internet dating.  You go, you meet a guy for ten minutes, maybe you like him, if not you move on!  What could be simpler?  And hey, as Betsy would say, it’s an urban adventure!

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Two of my enduring Mancrushes are making the rounds in the blogosphere today … Ricky Gervais – he of the biting, British sarcasm – in outtakes from Sesame Street (so scandalous, they prompted Elmo himself to demand the tape!) and the dreamy Paul Rudd on The Daily Show.

Now, clearly I like guys with a particularly sarcastic sense of humor.  Add in brown hair and eyes, and I’m a goner.  Enjoy: