Congratulations on your Breakup
So you got dumped.
And you feel like crap, but listen up: breaking up is really not such a bad thing. One of the best things you can do for your love life — and for your sanity in general — is to develop a healthy attitude toward breakups, which are of course inevitable. If you believe in both dating and monogamy, virtually all your romantic relationships — save a precious one or two — are going to splinter apart somehow. So if, despite your best intentions, things fell apart –- well, we’re sorry. But let’s figure out how to handle things gracefully and move on with life.
1) Many relationships aren’t meant to last. Some men (and women) are quite frankly only worth seeing for a few fun dates; a weekend fling; a summer romance. Don’t try to force a perfectly good romantic escapade into Serious Relationship Territory when it has no business being there. If he has nothing more to offer you, walk away with the memories intact, and realize that you’ve saved yourself time and energy by dodging what would have been a disastrous long-term relationship.
2) It’s (probably) not your fault. Assuming you treated both your ex and the relationship with respect, odds are that things simply weren’t meant to be, and you can stop feeling like a failure because you couldn’t make it work. On the other hand, maybe you cheated, or behaved atrociously, or perhaps you’ve got more troubling issues that your ex simply could not handle. If this is the case, the breakup is really the least of your worries. Don’t worry about the dating. Go take care of yourself first.
3) If it’s broken, don’t try to fix it. Some individuals waste an unbelievable amount of time and emotional energy trying to revive relationships that should stay dead and mourning ones that weren’t that great to begin with, somehow feeling that this is preferable to being single and starting again from square one. These people are in denial and need to be smacked. Do not be one of them.
4) “But if I were only … “ If only you were what? Taller and thinner? More intellectual? Interested in golf? In other words, if only you were someone else? Let’s give ourselves some credit here. Are you reasonably happy with yourself? If the answer is yes, realize that you deserve to date someone who will be equally content with you. If the answer is no, get happy with yourself first. Then date.
5) “But I’m running out of time!” For what? Marriage and kids? A house in the suburbs? We’ve all heard this before. Suffice to say that happy relationships and happy families arise in all sorts of ways, at all different stages of life, and approaching romance with a biological gun held to your head is a great way to drive yourself crazy.
6) Yes, you will meet somebody else. So quit worrying about it. Thinking about finding your next date is like stressing about Wednesday dinner when you’re still sick from Sunday brunch. You’ll get there. But first let’s digest the meal in front of us, shall we?
7) “I just can’t go out there again.” Then don’t. At least not now. If you’re emotionally exhausted and/or the breakup has taken a serious toll on your self-esteem, you probably shouldn’t dive right back into dating yet anyway. Give yourself some time to put yourself back together again, and start meeting new people when you’re up to it.
Still feel like shit? Well of course you do. You’re human and you have feelings. Despite the misery, realize that this is a damn sight better than being an emotionally stunted individual who can’t manage to connect with anyone. Pain is a necessary part of the process.
So go forth and feel crappy for a while: in fact, wallow in it. Luxuriate in your misery. Set yourself a strict time limit – two weeks, two months, whatever – and throw a massive pity party; have long cathartic crying jags; indulge in ice cream and bad TV. Give yourself free rein to lean on your friends and seek their support.
When your time is up, take the tough love attitude and start moving ahead again. Hold your head up high! You’re wiser for having had the experience and stronger for having ended it at the right time. New possibilities lie ahead.
