Ann Coulter’s Rectum Statistics
Tonight I attended the Ann Coulter-Bill Maher debate at Radio City Music Hall. The event kicked off the 2009 RCMH Speaker Series, tagline: “The Minds That Move The World”.
People, the mind of Ann Coulter is moving the world? Is something being done about this?
After watching tonight, the only explanation is that Ann is very smart, very strategic in the management of her career/persona, and very much lacking in the, uh, shame department. She’s just putting on a hell of a show. As her bookcovers attest, the moment she walks out onstage – tall, flowing hair, tight black dress and long skinny legs – she’s already something notable, whereas her male counterparts – the Bill Mahers and James Carvilles of the world – have to make their living with analysis and, you know, facts. (Ann likes to use what Bill refers to as “rectum statistics”).
Don’t get me wrong: she has a brain. The mystifying thing is how she chooses (or chooses not) to use it. The woman can hold her own on the regulatory deficiencies surrounding Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac and the strategic missteps of our military campaign in Afghanistan, but in the next breath she dismisses evolution, claims the Cambrian Explosion (or the entire Cambrian era, take your pick) doesn’t make sense, labels Wall Street troublemakers as “all Obama supporters” and says Sarah Palin could be a serious contender for the Presidency someday (“she just needs to do a lot more reading”).
(What … @$%!!@??!!)
Prepared speeches are not her strong point either. Her opening monologue was forced and unnatural, with ill-considered jokes and a flat delivery that me wonder if she even differentiates between liberal and conservative audiences. (In retrospect, it was a standard shill for her latest book, “Guilty: Liberal ‘Victims’ and their Assault on America” released in January.) She seemed much more comfortable debating Bill directly, although his dry wit and semi-exasperated humor (“What do you think gravity is? Something Jews invented to collect loose change?”) still ran circles around her somewhat perplexing arguments (“At least I can admit that religion is based on faith. You won’t admit it, but evolution is based on faith too.”). Her most valuable asset is her great gift for showmanship, slinging outrageous commentary (“serious scientists don’t believe in evolution”) with a toss of the hair and a crossing of the legs, and receiving audience boos with an icily serene smile.
What if slender blonde right-wing women were as plentiful on the political pundit scene as, say, liberal Jewish males? In that case, Ann might have turned her talents to something else and made a cushy living as a news anchor, litigator, or corporate titan. But so much for that. As it turns out, you can do damn well being tall, thin, fair-haired and contrarian.
I can think of few things more alarming than the prospect of Ann Coulter’s mind moving the world. I suspect if she really were face up with it, though, she’d consider it to be too much work for not enough return.